Parent’s Intentions
There’s a big difference between a parent’s intention and what is perceived by their teen. Most parents want the best for their kids and if I were to ask parents in session about their expectations…they usually never tell me that “They need their child to be perfect.” No, parents outwardly acknowledge that this is not what they profess. They also usually express that their goal is to be non-judgmental of their child. They usually don’t understand where their teen’s anxiety is coming from.
Teen’s Perception
Despite parents’ best intentions, I hear often from teens that they believe their parents expect them to be perfect. Some describe their parents’ parenting style to be very authoritarian, with an underlined message that “A” grades are expected, and anything less than that is considered lazy and not a good enough effort. Other teens express a strong sense of fear that their parents are very judgmental and they feel that they can’t be their true self, as their parent’s values and beliefs would clash with a child’s expression of self.
Four Common Relational Misses
Perfection
The first relational miss is demanding perfection. While we want our kids to succeed and excel, there is a fine line between striving for excellence and creating an environment where expectations are unreasonable. When we place too high standards on our kids, we risk kids fearing they will fail and or disappoint us. As a result, kids will either hustle to achieve at a great cost to their mental health, or they may even just quit and stop trying altogether.
One way we can help our teens understand imperfection is by having regular conversations about the fact that perfect people don’t exist, and by sharing vulnerable stories about our own struggles and flaws. When parents are afraid to be vulnerable and share their own experiences, it leaves their teens to believe that imperfection is bad and perfection is normal. When we share our humanity with our teens, we increase our connection with them.
Judgment
The second relational miss comes in the form of Judgment. Parents might not even be aware of their tone of voice, body language and even their subtle comments that come from their own religious beliefs. Kids growing up in these environments might feel unseen if they are struggling with issues such as substance abuse, homosexuality and/or gender identity, religion, or politics. Parents might not feel that they are outwardly judgmental of their teens, however, if you have ever doubted your teen’s choice in attire, touted scripture as a means to control, or withheld praise and affection when you were disappointed or angry with your teen, then you likely have provided an opportunity for your teen to feel judgment. Regardless of whether you make a mistake and find yourself judging your teen, you can always repair the mistake by owning it, outwardly acknowledging your error, and circling back into a discussion with them.
Control
The third relational miss comes from a parent’s need to Control. Teens will push limits, and cause parents to feel that they are out of control. However, parents with a strong need to control situations due to their own anxiety, and or discomfort with uncertainty, can wreak havoc on a teen’s need for autonomy and self trust. Teens who are constantly criticized, or told they don’t know how to make good decisions, grow up to not believe in themselves. Instead of controlling every aspect of their life, give them opportunities to collaborate and have some sense of control over their decisions.
Negative Perspective
The fourth relational miss comes from constant negativity and statements such as “you should have”…, or “you didn’t”…! Sometimes as parents we get exhausted and forget the importance of encouragement over criticism. Some of us are so critical of ourselves and have so little self-compassion for our own mistakes, that we don’t extend any grace to our kids either. Kids need to be told about their wins, not just all the things they aren’t doing well. When the focus of time spent with your teen is always about what they should’ve or could’ve done better, then we are missing the opportunity to be present, and help them feel they have value regardless of how they perform.
Final Note To Parents
If you noted any of the above issues, you are probably already beating yourself up for failing. Yet you are not a failure! As a parent, we too make mistakes. The difference between a good parent-teen relationship and one that never repairs itself, is a parent’s willingness to admit when they’re wrong, made a mistake, and come back to their teen to discuss this openly with a genuine apology. This not only helps to increase connection, it also models for your teen accountability and the importance of owning your behaviors. Parenting is a work in progress. Give yourself some grace, and allow yourself to learn, get better, and create the relationship with your teen that you want.
If your teen’s anxiety is stressing you both out, sign up for my FREE video training series for parents. In this mini course you’ll learn: how to catch your teen’s anxiety before it’s too late, how to empower your teen to manage their anxiety in a surprising, effective way, and the 10 essential steps for teen anxiety management. Click here to access this free training.